Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Ugged

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

I can't quite decide which circle of hell Mr. Aligheri might place me in. The sixth circle, for my heresy? The eighth circle (ditch six, party of one!), for my "deliberate, knowing evil?"

I, ladies and gentlemen, have just purchased a pair of Uggs.

I wouldn't really believe it myself, were I not looking at them propped up on the coffee table. I, who have not only eschewed, but railed, against the numerous and plenty popular fashions that crop up amongst celebrities and culture vultures alike. Shall I list them out for you?

• Gaucho pants
• Shrugs
• Uggs
• Jeans tucked into boots
• Flip-flops as regular shoeware, especially on men (are you at the beach? I didn't think so)
• Sweatpants as regular, non-gym, pant-ware
• Scrubs, outside of any sort of hospital/clinical setting (and especially when one is not employed in the clinical field)
• Tunics

But I walked into the shoe store and I tried them on to rid my mind of the image of Uggs that have been haunting me for days.

And they were super cute.

They were even cuter unfolded than folded.

If the woman at Go Fug Yourselves can do a 360 and purchase and wear wedges then I can too.

I think I can only wear them around complete strangers but I refuse to pull a Kate Hudson and wear them in the middle of the blazing summer.

Now that I have broken one fashion rule I may end up breaking another - once I break these fuckers in, I'm thinking about tucking my jeans in 'em.

I also may need a pair in brown.

Survivor: Jim Crow Island

Thurgood Marshall is rolling over in his grave.

The new season of Survivor, a show I never watch (because who wants to see a bunch of dirty, ugly people - possible exception: Ethan Zohn and his Amazing JewFro - learn how to cope without indoor plumbing and TGI Fridays? I'm not at all curious about what would happen if I couldn't use my straightening iron and I firmly believe 20 million people can be wrong), presents you (again, you, not me), the viewer, with a BRAND NEW GIMMICK that will KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF! Contestants will be split into four groups!! According to race/ethnicity!!!

Yay!!!! Racial sub-grouping sounds like fun!!!!! I can't wait to see what happens!!!!!!

In a New York Times article, the series producer, Mark "Touched by Roma Downey" Burnett, chats about the show's wacky new format. "I'm not an idiot...I really don’t believe there are many people who hate each other because of their race."*

In rationalizing this load of crap that I would be forced to swallow if, again, I actually watched this tripe, this guy (if he is indeed, ladies and gentlemen, an actual man)** takes a page from the 'they-do-it-so-why-can't-we?' school of thought (and "it-is-what-it-is" ideology, which is mostly just a crappy cop-out for not having to explain yourself in a hailstorm of public outcry). In addition to touting his belief in the virtual extinction of prejudice and racism in our modern society, the King of Race Relations raises, as evidence of the tendency of people to divide their personal lives along "social and ethnic" lines, "areas like Little Afghanistan" in New York.

Well, color me impressed (no pun intended). It appears I was wrong about "Separate But Equal" Burnett. He must be an astute, experienced observer of human nature and interactions to so accurately reflect the microcosms of society in his forthcoming enlightened programming. And he is S-M-R-T. Gosh, who would have thought New York, of all places, had pockets of fairly homogenous ethnic groups? And if that happens in New York, it must happen everywhere. I bet that the separation of New Yorkers, and by extension, of course, everyone else, along class and color lines is totally their choice too...I wonder if they have him teaching classes at the CBS Diversity Institute. If not, he should. He's, like, got such a, like, grasp, on what the public is, like, thinking and feeling and experiencing. Especially, like, you know, black people and Hispanics and stuff.

It turns out that "We Are the World" Burnett probably doesn't like me as much as I don't like his show or the potential recipe for disaster that usually is television attempting to address social inequities and/or stereotypes. Because I have it all WRONG. My big mistake, according to "Black Like Me" Burnett, is that I don't 'get' the premise of the show. I can't seem to get it through my big, fat gourd that "[B]y putting people in tribes, they clearly have to get rid of people of their own ethnicity. So that's not racial at all." OMG! I totally get it now. You're soooooo right, it's totally NOT racial.

The change in format seems ostensibly due to criticism of the show's lack of diversity. Apparently, according to Marky-Mark and the Nappy Bunch, a whopping 80% of Survivor applicants are white. Umm...(look of confusion, hand slowly raised in the air), am I supposed to be surprised by this information? I'm not one of those people who normally says "Well, I have a lot of black [gay, etc.] friends," but...I have a lot of black friends and I'll bet you ten dollars that if I asked any one of them if they would ever try out for Survivor, they would look at me like "Are you serious? No way! That shit's crazy (read: for white folks)!"

But maybe that just me being racial.


*Note: While the actual words themselves have not been altered, the chronology of Mr. Burnett's statements has, in order to make him sound like an idiot. Which he does pretty well all by his ownsome.

**He is (as far as I know). I just wanted to join the sensationalism party. I like to be included in stuff. Especially parties. With open bars.

Did you hear that?

That was the sound of Dave Navarro officially selling out. I know what you're thinking: "Didn't he sell out when he agreed to host Rock Star: INXS in the the first place?" "Couldn't marrying Carmen Electra, formerly married to Dennis Rodman, kind of constitute jumping the shark?" "Isn't going from guitaring in Jane's Addiction to guitaring in the Red Hot Chili Peppers (after a failed band/album), who then proceeded to cut the best Jane's Addiction album to released by a band who wasn't Jane's Addiction, selling out?"

But I say no.

I throw Dave many bones, because, let's face it, he's Dave Fucking Navarro, and he both turns me on and scares me in equal parts. So I'm going to throw Dave (okay, and the Peppers) another bone for the prior offenses listed above. A man like Dave Navarro needs to rock and/or roll, in whatever incarnation of whatever band he can join or scrabble together. A man like Dave Navarro, mostly by virtue of his Jane's days, brings much-needed street cred to a show like Rock Star. And, by God, a man like Dave Navarro needs to bang a hot chick with a sweet rack, regardless of the crazy freaks she's been married to before.

That being said, after tonight, I am no longer forgiving Dave his sins. The bone sack is empty, the sweet shop is closed. No more muffin for you, Dave. Tonight, on a very special Rock Star: Supernova (whooo! Tommy Lee! you dirty, magnificent, big-cocked bastard!), the band announced that a very special guest would be joining their 28-city tour (once, of course, they get around to the business of choosing a rock monkey who will never, ever, no matter how many crappy tattoos or bad dye jobs they get, ever be as hot as the sexy product of our neighbor to the north, JD Fortune, who god bless him, prefers to appear in INXS videos shirtless. But I digress). The very special guest? None other than Le Navarro himself. Okay fine, whatever. But here's the catch, see. Dave's not joining Supernova for the tour, he'll be joining the show house band and all the rejects who didn't win when they open for Supernova on the tour, like some demented rocker-freak American Idol tour of losers.

Yeah. Next thing you know they'll be rolling out some sob story about how dude with obviously-made-up-name taught himself to read by using the mnemonic shortcuts, EVGBDF and FACE, on his sheet music. Because, even when it's all about the music, man, it's also about setting a good example for the kid you had out-of-wedlock at 14. Oh, and being able to distinguish the bottle of Jack Daniel's from the bottle of Jim Beam. Because they have standards, godammit.

Gawd, I hope at least Dave got one of those Honda Elements as his consolation prize.